Spears for President

The "tragic downward spiral" of former teen idol Britney Spears dominated national news in 2007, and may well do so again in 2008. No longer the exclusive domain of gossip rags and E! news shows, talk of her exploits has insinuated itself into a broader arena. Britney supercedes, interrupts and is interwoven into discussions on a range of topics, from the Presidential race to the Iraq thingy to Iran’s nuclear capabilities to Jacques Shirac’s love life (shudder). Even people who couldn’t care less know more about her than they’d like to admit. Even my Mom has an opinion, and she’s…my Mom.

What the hell is going on?

One perky news anchor suggested we prattle on about Britney because she makes the rest of us feel normal. Wrong. Sit down for this. We care about Britney because Britney is normal.

Middle class Americans have been lied to all our lives. Every news organization, every politician, every plastic talking head has blithely lied to us since we were born. Everything will be okay. Trust us. Give us your money. Give us your time. Give us your sweat and your hopes and your dreams and we will spin it all into college tuition and cars and a home and a happy retirement for you. We are good. We will help you. Trust us. And we bought it. Well, most of did, and the rest didn't really have much of a choice anyway.

Until Britney.

Britney Spears is not crazy. Britney Spears is not stupid. Britney Spears has all the money she will ever need at 26. Britney Spears divorced her husband (whom she loved very much) and is desperately fighting a losing battle for custody of her two children (whom she loves very much). She put out a very good album about it last year. Her frustrations and fears are normal. She expresses herself like a normal human being. And she is pretty much the only Person of Note in America who does.

We consume Britney with such hunger because we are starved for truth. Why did Clinton win New Hampshire? Because she really cried real tears. Why is Huckabee doing so well in the Republican race? Because he really says things he really believes. He is also a fucking Nazi, but that is quite beside the point, isn’t it? Apparently.

And so, in lieu of Huckabee the Nazi, I propose that Generation Next launches a Spears for President campaign. Britney will not tell us what she thinks we think we want to hear. She will tell us the truth. Britney doesn’t know what do about Iraq, and she will say so. Britney doesn’t know what to do about the rising cost of health care, and she will say so. Britney doesn’t know how to pay for Social Security in forty years, and she will say so. Spears in 2009? Why the fuck not.